i found you.

again. and I'll find you again and again. Because there's never going to be an end to this. This realization hit me, a couple of hours ago. I still find you amazingly beautiful, and as much as I want to let go. There's no more way to do that, no more distractions to keep me, no more excuses or link to keep you away. I just really want to be with you. It's changing me from the inside out. I hate it. But I can't help it. I want to just give up, and give in. I'm still resisting. But I just really can't stand it anymore, I never could in the beginning. I got to stop finding you. You're not helpless, you don't need me and my shame. I found you again, please don't get lost again. Or I'll really have to resort into leaving you to find yourself, by yourself.

My haunting.

I thought everything was over, and done with. Yet with everything that I've been through. The saddening reality, that you've put me through. The salt the tears leave my eyes every morning. I want to forget it all. But you ALWAYS, always come back to haunt me. And the pain, keeps coming back. Like opening a healing wound, and this time, it's back to strike me three times as hard. When am I going to put you behind me, once and for all; When are you going to be done haunting my life. The mere thought of deleting your pictures, gives me a churning feeling in my stomach. I can't help but feel worse, everytime there's something new about your life, because I have access to it. I want to take all of that away, and just forget. As much as the good times were AMAZING, now they just hurt more than the bad times. Like a hurricane inside me again and again. I'd rather forget. Because I never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I hate saying that, because as truthful as it feels, reality is a harsh mistress, and it doesn't help that you're begging to be under her wing.

I don't want to resort to being numb to forget about you. Maybe I just need the perfect distraction. To distract me enough, to finally stop thinking of only you, day in and out, trying to compare people of how they're LIKE you. I just want it to stop. But even if I wanted to, I still can't resist you.

apologies don't work if you don't mean it.

But I do mean my apologies, for being such a jerk, and a moron. I look foolish enough, it's so embarrassing to even show my face to you. I don't expect it to be okay right away, I'm just sort of glad, I can breath sort of easily-ish now y'know?

HaH!

still confused. obviously im the problem. well. i'm not settling this here. expect a phone call / a visit. shut me away if you want, but I don't give up so easily, friend. If you still want me to refer to you as that. AREN'T YOU ALWAYS RIGHT anyways.

okay, what the FUCK.

If that's the way you wanna roll, then fine. So much for communication and bullshit. If you really want to indirectly settle this over this stupid website, well I'll be. Just hope I don't HURT you enough that you really want to part. This has become really stupid and immature, it doesn't even make sense anymore. So here it is. I'M SORRY I BORROWED MONEY FROM YOU. I'M SORRY I NEVER EVER PAY ONLY YOU BACK, I'M SORRY THAT I ALWAYS HURT YOU, ENOUGH TO SAY ALL THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT ON THE INTERNET. I really thought you were bigger than this but I was wrong. You can say all that stuff you said, and give yourself a pat on the back, because I'm really going the wrong way with this. Sorry bun, this is how I'm interpreting it. You want me out of your life that much. I don't mean to use the "after all we've been through" drift, because it's the present that matters. And presently, and apparently, I'm the one putting that big dagger in your happy life. Well if that's all I really am to you, pain and angst. Then why don't you just leave me and end it. But let's just hope you have guts enough to actually face me and tell me why you're doing this. This I interpret to be, that me borrowing money from you it hurting you so much that it's unbearable. Well I'm too sure, that this wasn't the first time I borrowed money from you, and clearly it will be the last, but I'm too sure that I payed you back somehow too. Multiple times, sometimes I don't even ask you to pay me back or sometimes I'd just treat you, because I know I owe you way more. And now you really want to lose me as a friend for such a thing? Okay shows what I know right? Change your blogger, I don't want to read into your thoughts, because when I know it's about me, things change. And if you don't I won't be able to help but read. I'm still a bit confused, right now I'm really driven by anger, and like I said I'll only punch back, I didn't give the punch first, YOU DID my dear, and what a big punch that was. I wish I'd post up my previous drafts, maybe I would've put up a fight. But I lost already, and you sort of invited me to your little void. Right now, to stay in that void, is to feel like you for no reason. Maybe one reason, for borrowing money. I promise to never borrow from you. I'm sorry that I have a defective family that took your buspass, but to be quite honest, I flipped my house upside down, interrogated my family and made a fool out of myself. Not only that they don't trust me anymore, but I'm going to lose a friend who I thought was going to be there, and even with the pain inflicted on me, I'm still here with open arms. Other friends said that I shouldn't be like that. So I wrote this morbid, horrible blog, to let you in on what I'm feeling and maybe you can get a sense that I don't like losing friends for no good fucking reasons. I guess the good times, or the times that counted never really meant anything, I mean people change, and that's an inevitable fact, real friends accept them, even if it means hurting.

i guess i'm just stubborn

and that won't change. Even if the match is clear, who won, should've won or who should've lost. Even if I totally don't stand a chance, or if I'm beaten badly already. I'll regain that strength and fight back. I will not be forced to withdrawal even if it looks so sad already. Don't play me in pool coz I'm your worst nightmare. Get OMGPOP to find out or don't find out, completely up to you.

Kay number 1, this was totally an indirect statement, number 2, I will not give up in pool, so don't test it. Unless you want to give me coins X)

Oh I'm such a geek.

is simply thankful,

that since we're confessing feelings on the internet, why not try it.

But I won't. It's weird, because even though all I've been thinking and be considerate of others, get hurt in the end, I still want them to be happy. Because that's simply what people look for, self satisfaction. Take it personally, that I'm really being calm about this, while really I'm not. I got the memo thanks and sorry truly. This time I'm just thankful of the other times, times that you seemed to have forgotten. I got what I deserve, I guess I needed it to realize too. And you got that self satisfaction that you so rightly deserve, I'm glad you don't feel bad, and I don't intent you to, that means things are changing :) Always is such a strong word, people get mislead, it's simply just my interpretation.