from far away.

Even from far away, you can still make me smile,

a cold but lovely soul from once upon a time.

Can melt my heart with little sense,

can make my day with captious words.

Helped me find the unthinkable,

even I was confused.

shed tears knowing it,

shed tears living it,

shed tears for it.

It made me realize,

letting you go is the "right thing".

From far away I yell,

yell for you to look back.

Did water leave your eyes, as it did mine?

To forget you, was to hate you, and to hate you,

was to hate me. To not accept, what I could be or have already become.

You differentiate right from wrong, as if you know.

Although it you are in the thinking of many, why not to mine?

Even from far away, I still feel your presence,

resonating from a hollow screen, and a mindless lens.

From feeling sorrow to feeling free, then sunk to disparity.

It haunts me, it hurts me, but above all it shames me,

because it is wrong in the eyes of many, in the eyes of God.

What more can I say, but you are a sin and vice versa.

I just miss everything that was. Miss it a lot. So much that it brings me to tears.

I love people, being around them, being myself.

If I had one wish, it's to hold you, to stroke my hands along your lovely hair, to see the brightness of your face, to feel your rosy cheeks. To achieve something that I feel is just so right, to attain it because it's so dangerous and wrong.

Hoping that even from far away, that's how you feel for me too.

To this very moment, my mind is clouded.

Fogged by your vague image. Your gestures still linger in my head, like a fresh wound.

Breathing heavily, knowing my heart races when I think of you. Thinking of what could have been. Thinking of the consequences more than the happiness.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Even if you're far away, knowing you're there.

Living, Libelous and Loving

It still smudges an odd smirk or a smile to my daily life.

Take good care of yourself.

everyone is deserving, even me.

Yes. Even I deserve the awards that I received tonight at our annual Athletic Banquet. Maybe it was because Linda turned her back at me when I said, "oh most inspirational, that sucks, that's just another way to say 2nd place", but then I relfected back at it and Linda said it as well, I shouldn't have just gotten the award then, at least it's better than nothing; if my attitude is like this, this award should have just been given to someone who wants it. Rugby is very important to me. I gave up badminton for it, track and field and ultimate. And being awarded the most inspirational, thinking back at it, is such a great honour. Maybe because I wanted to be the best, and I always try my best. I just don't like the fact that I never come close to what I want, but is totally blind to the greatness that was just given to me. For volleyball, which I loved so much as well and gotten MVP for 3 years, I didn't get anything for it, if I put myself in Kim's shoes, and she says oh I thought I shoulda gotten MVP, well I would rather get 2nd to Katy than get nothing. When the tables are turned and when the wind is against you now, it's hard, it hurts. I took it so personally, but all I could do is clap and smile, because I'm so happy for them. Everyone is deserving. Everyone who received the award they got is deserving, and even if being on the envious end , the award winners are deserving. You didn't pull short, but you were just almost there, try again next time.

Believe it or not, even if one's at the end of their high school career, there will be a next time. Only this time, it will not be provided for you, it won't be spoon fed to you. It will be all hard work and reality. You must look for it not only by yourself, but also within yourself. You gotta find the drive to fullfill anything in life. You can only rely on you.

I am proud of myself :)

This one, not so proud. Going up the stage not only took forever, but it was HARD.

double the trouble.

Bonjour.

Let me sum up the last few days in a few words.

fail boat.

yup. It was a total fail. Not only did my week start of

pretty crappy with a nervous system test, that got

me nervous HAHA (oh my sympathetic nervous system is working), but yesterday I got my very first sprained/slightly fractured ankle, in all of my years of playing sports.

But before I go into all of that, I'd just like to get something out. In the recent blog, I've mentioned that I've been the one putting the

stress in myself. That's because I thought that this person, specially close to me, was mad. And my response was, "if you're mad at me, then I'm mad at

you too". It's kind of a hectic/vicious cycle. Because I

'm assuming that something's wrong, but I don't ask about it. And I don't ask about it because I'm scared it might be about me. I'm a terrible person and instead of just admitting that, I think I should change it. I don't want to be a terrible person. I mean I love to tease people, and get 'em all worked up, but I don't want to cross a line to get another individual hating on

me. I can't take it. I'm gutsy enough to admit that I'm a chicken, and that I can't handle people being mad at me so I try to get it twisted and make th

em look like the fools. It's wrong and I'm terribly sorry. In a couple of minutes after writing this blog, I will call that special person and tell them and talk to them and all. But enough of the drama. Last friday seemed all too perfect, I was kind of scared that it was just me last week that's been acting up and shit.

Well this week is a present. I'm actually NOT proud tha

t I have this swollen/slightly fractured/weird coloured ankle

because simply it was my

first one ever and it was not honorable. I got it from "showing off" my awesome blocking skills to ESL students in volleyball. I'm not trying to diss the kid out but his foot was underneath the net and that's where I landed. Landed a sharp 90 degrees and my reflex arc just took care of the rest. Plumping my ankle into this massive blueberry you see

in front of you. I'm currently in crutches for a week, and unfortunately it had to be this week. Tomorrow is the athletic banquet, and I don't care if I don't get called for awards, it's the fact that it's semi formal that I'm worried about. I'm going to be in a dress and crutches, woohoo. I've got more pictures down there.

But before I go on. I just want to talk about the nervous system test, and monday, and explain why the title of this blog is called double the trouble. Well I went to the hospital once my dad saw my ankle all swollen and stuff. He was right about it probably having a fracture if I don't get it checked out. Well, I was in the ER Tuesday (the day I got this shit), and the lady that helped me, was the same lady that helped me the day before, when I was in the ER monday. Monday was the nervous system test. So long story short, I was so nervous for the nervous system test that I basically went mad, to a point where I tried cutting myself. When Esther, Shiela and Dorothy found out why I wasn't at school on Monday, they freaked out and yeah saying I'm stupid, because it was stupid. when I felt the sharpness of the blade in my skin..I basically fainted and my mom found me on the ground and we went to the hospital. Well the lady that helped me, said "double the trouble you're causin' fer mom and dad eh", coz I went to the hospital with my dad for a swollen ankle. Sigh. I thought it was ironic. Now both of them are running around just for me.

I kind of feel bad, but at the same time, I like the attention. Pft. You people know you like attention, hate it when people can't admit that. Anyways. More pictures.

this was day when it happened, and I was just chillin in my living room before daddy came home.

when I got back from the hospital, I got wrapped. yeahh... Later Gaters..

Ange

sunday schedule starting right now :)

Strict and a must.

Or I'm going to punish myself.

5:00pm- finish mes lectures.

8:00 pm - last minute studies for bio.

hopefully i get this done. im open to punishment suggestions on fb.

A convivial Weekend

This weekend was the best. One of the best in a long time.

I've been dwelling in so many sad, stressful, and heavy hearted things, that I can't seem to recognize the good stuff anymore. I was really upset this week because of litt

le things that I notice too much, and being too sensitive about it.

The most muddled part was, those things were happening because I was causing them. I was putting it all upon myself, and it makes me sink deeper and deeper into a hole, all by myself, it was dark and stifling. That place lacked family, friends, warmth, love; it was all anxiety,

pain and stress.

Too much for me to handle.

That's why this weekend, Friday night specifically, was just a loose and lively night. One of the nights that I'd hope of having during this time. We ate at an all you can eat sushi/korean bbq place, we were LOUD and the booth next to us were HATIN on us. Yeah that lil booth can suck it. It was one of the nights where I was so hyper, that I don't think it was the water. I wanted to tell off those guys beside us, "the blow horn". Oh silly asian MOTHERJERK. That was my word of the night, and the next day. I was the bartender for the night. ( I was flipping the water pitcher and it was a TOTAL FAIL )>

The next day, baddy tournament. GP cup. Met new mother jerks, pwned some

old mother jerks, GOT pwned by old mother jerks, played GROUNDERS. Yes, it made my whole weekend whole.

The most fun I've had with little boys and Linda. We climbed over fences and others decided to walk around (they still had to climb a fence though).

Hieu bought all of the baddy kids slurpee, and I suggested grounders. Yuchuan (I called him Szechuan like the chicken flavour because I couldn't pronounce his name) , Justin and linda were scared to climb over the fence. It was funny yet it was a mellow bonding time with lots of screaming and name calling. It was fun.The grueling part though, Hieu thought that climbing this one specific fence would get us into the playground right away. So Nghia, Linda, and me decided to follow him. BAD CHOICE. We had to climb four more fences before we got to a grassy area. OHEMGEE MAN. It was a fun and tiring work out before we got completely murdered by grounders. I loved it. I was only it twice and I was so keen to catch Justin. He was a pwned mother bitch :) .

I will admit though, I didn't want Szechuan and Thomas (this baddy guy that was so sick, like I was mocking/flirting with him because he did this trick shot that I totally failed at, he has a cute smile) to leave so early, they didn't even get to play with us. But anyways, I didn't want them to leave, because I didn't want Thomas to leave. *sigh* I lost my interest for him, once my sister told me, "oh i know that guy, he's flip and he's like in gr9". EEEEW. What is up with me and little boys, I swear it's not even funny. GRR! Sad part was though, when I tell them my age/ grade, they're shocked like I'm in grade fucking 2 or something. It's okay.

This WEEKEND WAS RAD.

2 more weeks before highschool is over. It's unhappy and as much as a lot of people say that they're so glad to be out of it, I will definitely miss it.

Thought I

Well I thought it was over. No it's not.

Internetitis, a disease that rapidly took over most of the people with computers, has taken over me too. It makes you go on computers, make new stupid websites, and stay on them for hours until you're dying of sleepyness.

Curable?

Maybe.

If you have enough strength to help yourself out of the intergalatic internet gravitational pull.

Anyways. follow me on tumblr, robo.to, and formspring.

I'll still be around.

Later Gaters :)

PS. see my tumblr, i got a new rant, and it's pretty harsh.. i kinda regret making it now. LOL

http://choco-air.tumblr.com/

june ,responsibility, 40 degrees

According to my father dear, I'm actually getting worst. That I'm very irresponsible. Yes. ME. SURPRISE. FUCK YOU.

Do you actually believe that I have fucking time for the dishes? You say put myself in your shoes, HAH, if I did then I'd never see my children again won't I?. When was actually the last time you spent time with your family? On Sundays? Then what? Work again, and again and again.

Wow dad, you actually got the balls to tell me that. Why ofcourse, it's okay if you're not home all the time, and when you're home you actually catch me doing some homework, or fucking sleeping.

5:oo am, I was dreaming about my little girly girl crushing on this boy from a land that I FUCKING HATE, then *KNOCK KNOCK*. I look at the time it's fucking 5 in the morning. Yup. It was my dad. I had a 30 minute lecture about not doing the dishes. It took me 10 minutes to do them right after his MAGNIFICENT SPEECH about responsibility and how I lack it. Thank you for basically telling me, change yourself because you're getting worst and your attitude right now will determine whether you're successful or not, your irresponsibility is drawing you farther away from the family, from the pack. Do I look like a fucking wolf to you?

I'm sorry dad. I love you to death. Probably even more. But how the fuck can you look me straight in the eye, and tell me that I'm basically the most horrid person out there, that I'm not worthy enough to chose for my own, breath by myself, and act on however I like. It's the fucking dishes for FUCK'S SAKES.

June.

I'm going to try my hardest to be someone I'm not. Someone who's responsible, kinder, caring, happy, and all the bullshit that I'm not. I will try. For everyone. You'll still see me. It's just that, It won't be me. I'll put on my mask again, and those who can see through it will get it and hopefully play along or maybe help me out. But again. June is a time for change. A "change for the better" as they say it. I'm sorry dad. I'll be what you want me to be. I can usually talk back to you. But this time I didn't. I deserve it dad. I know I've been irresponsible. I guess it would take a hypocrite to tell me that.

I'm glad I didn't go to school today. But it kind of sucked how I didn't go to school because I wanted to skip. I try to be bad; but I'm bad at it. I was actually sick when I got up. (I went back to sleep after doing the royal dishes from ikea) I felt the sudden fluid rush in my head and heard a consistent beeping noise. Much like when a person is hearing something, but it's actually dead silent in the room. It was kind of creepy, and what was worst was I couldn't move at all, my body felt dead, and the early morning speech did not help. So I decided to take an extra 30 minutes in bed and skipping my usual morning runs. By the time the alarm ringed, I felt so hot.Hot as in fucking burning. I was sweating like crazy, my breathing was shallow and windows were open. When I tried to get up, I fell on my face because I was effing dizzy. My vision was actually spinning as in, merry go round fucking spinning. I layed on my back and yelled for my mom. I'm glad my mom was home. When we took my temp, it was about 41 degrees C. My fucking proteins were probably denatured by that time. Long story short, we went to the doctor, doctor give meds, doctors (hospital doctors) are stupid and should not get paid so much just because they went to school for 12 years to tell me that I have a fucking fever. I think it was already established. Sigh, it only made me angry. I feel like the hulk. RAR.

Got back from doctors, TALKED TO MAH broseph, Mr. Cody Blanchard ( : . Who i think was totally harassed by the school principal coz of some black mental job. Any ways, he basically made me feel better via phone convo, and made my day, coz the rest of the day was a nut job. nyaaah.The rest of the day went, okay. Gonna do hw soon. Hopefully I don't wake up with another protein-denaturing fever. God, excuse my foul language and my anger.

Later 'Gaters

Ange