first

was entitled 'first' because this was what got to me as I go on the internet to update my life to others when I'm about to leave hotdrypalmsprings,CA. It's kinda sad that I'm leaving, because I'm going to be leaving my sunnyoasis to go back to Vancouver. But I'm way more thrilled to be coming home, ever since the start of this trip all I wanted to do is stay on the computer and stay updated with friends and the city. But I actually somewhat enjoyed California. Especially the Los Angeles night works, Hollywood walk of Fame , the OC/ family there.



My trip. Our trip, I had a blast. Me, my family and I, went on a LONGDRIVE, and trust me, it was long. About 22-24 hr drive and only stayed about 5 hours in a creepy motel, to get some sleep for the driver (dad). Every other hour I would be either asking if we were there yet or \i'd be throwing up or about to throw up when and if they put the windows up and not turn on the A/C. One thing to know about me. I get car sick easily, I constantly need fresh air, and this long ass drive didn't help that. My family kind of caught on my "puking disorder" as they call it, because I'd try to throw up even if I didn't eat anything, and kept the windows down as much as possible. I figured that PalmSprings, CA would be really nice and had that just right Summer atmosphere.. but clearly, from my bloody nose droopings on my shirt, it was as hot or even HOTTER than being in ASIA, about 35-40 deg. And another thing, why does the US have to be so not Canadian, I actually find it more annoying than amusing. Although, my "restroom" scene was pretty funny.

Anyways. I did not like it at first. We stayed at a resort called, Vista Mirage. There was nothing to do at first but to stay inside and enjoy the nice coolness...aaaah. I think the weather for me was so bad, that I almost had a heat stroke. At any rate, I eventually found something to do. There were three things that I enjoyed doing at our stay here.

table tennis.Tivo.monopoly.

First off, I'm not a big ping-pong fan. I mean it's so boring and sometimes fun to watch. I played it a couple of times in gym class but never really liked playing it. Well here, there was absolutely nothing to do but this, tennis, or swimming. Their pools kind of disgust me because there were bugs in there once I put my goggles on. Yeah, that was yesterday, so today I'm taking the time to blog than go insect-gargling in the pool. Anyways, I never really liked table tennis because I thought I was so horrible at it, I saw it in the olympics and I thought, wow this is so easy. Well because it was gym class. Now I played against Lozel, my friend who's like this table tennis champ, and I thought hmm, I'll totally pown her in her own game, then guess what, I got totally put on my ass...it was bad, as in I was sweating and running like a beheaded chicken. Then I knew table tennis wasn't for me. But I played against my dad, he too apparently was a ping-pong person and so we played for like three days, every day we'd play. I totally killed him in the third day. I found table tennis to be freaking awesome. I'm kind of hyped just hearing it. Table tennis....



Next, Tivo. So Kumar was right, Tivo is awesome. For the days that I was indoors, I was basically in front of the TV. I was flipping through varieties of channels, and omg, it's just really hard to express in words. Last night I was up watching Animal Cops, to Top Chef, To Works of Art. It was heck crazy, even working out in the morning, I'd ask for the remote to the TV in their fitness room and watch baseball or WNBA, which btw had the right work out equipments that I need.. for my QUADS. But that's another story.



Last but not least, the board game.. MONOPOLY. Wow, I never knew I could get hooked so badly. It was so good that I was bad. I played monopoly for the last 3-4 nights. I totally pwned my brother and my sister, and not only that, even when I lost today (went bankrupt, sold all my properties to the bank because I didn't want my brother/sister/dad to have them for free) I still want to PLAY. I just simply love it. If you're thinking of buying me a present in the future for anything, it would be monopoly.



I don't know why I had to wait until I got to America to do these kind of stuff. I'm kind of glad that I went though, because it takes away the drama I had in Canada (AB specifically), it was just nice.

We also went to OrangeCounty to see Tita Diane, Russ (her husband), and ate Ruby and kuya AR (stands for Adrian Rivera). It was such a great 2 days staying with them, I had so much fun. First we went to Laguna Beach, and it was good/bad. Good because I had a blast seeing them, and there were lots of hot bods there ;P, bad because, there were killer waves and they didn't help my ankle to a faster recovery, also kuya AR didn't bring his swimwear, nor his surfboard, so no surfing lessons. The OC was 3.5 hours away from Palm Springs (where we're staying), but my sisters and I stayed at ate Ruby and kuya AR's apartment for one night. Okay, they're a sort of party bunch, and ate Ruby has major hook ups and cook ups from everywhere. It was such a ride going with them. Their lifestyle was basically party,paper and personality. The "it" look in the OC was skinny/toned. As much as I want to compliment myself, but I totally didn't fit in. I had so much fun in their "kick-back", a chill and mellow get together , that I thought would be one of the regular parties in Vancouver. Once she told me what an actual "party" was in the OC, Vancouver would be so rated 1. It was fast and I couldn't keep up with it. Oh well, I enjoyed either ways. It was just so sad saying goodbye, I wish we had more time.
Ate Ruby was your normal rebel girl in the OC, she sounds exactly like my bitch cousin that I hate with all my heart, and you can bet your money that if you tell me to abandon her I will. But ate Ruby's not a bitch at all though, she might be a hardcore party girl but she's totally awesome and welcoming. I really wish the best of luck to her though, she's been in pretty bad shape (I don't mean physically as in her looks) and she's holding her ground. She took us to her friend's kick back and it was awesome. I wish I had a big sister like her, but I sort of don't. She's nice and friendly and she's just so AWESOME, but her lifestyle, I don't think I fit it with it. Anyways she took us to Hollywood and LA, it's great. I really wish I had more time.

Well I'm going home soon in about 2-3 days, see you soon vancity :)

bye BC, hello SUNNYSIDE? :)

so for about 10 days, I'll soon be having one of the longest fam get away, sunblocking,swimming,site seeing,spending

in PalmSprings, California. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Unless something surprises me. You never know.

but BEFORE that i had the worst/best day.

worst "di fraternita".because i saw a call out from someone who I thought knew me. who I thought would be the one who'll be always there and can take any of my mood swings. But no. To this person, I'm an alien. A gelatinous, green creature, that is inhumane, have totally different aspects and values of a normal creature. Well Mr. Perfection, if I'm like that to you, wait until you find another real friend.. they'll just ALL LEAVE if you treat 'em like this. Good Luck, you'll need it. Enough said, because I won't bother with anyone like that. Things change, people change. If that person is not grown up enough to know it, then they'll just remain stupid.

"Ignorance is ignorance, period."

it's just sad, that I'm willing to move on, and he'll stay like that. blaming the world for his imperfections. tsk, can't even take a dose of his medicine.

Keeping that in mind, it pretty much ruined my mood .

I was supposed to hang out with my girls at one, but I had to be all sad, and feeling like a shitty person/friend/ex-friend (that's right I said it, I know I'm childish, but you don't need to care anymore). I also had to wait for my slow, jerk-faced sister, who I'm grateful for for lending me money. I met up with the peeps by 6:30 and watched Toystory 3, and Shrek3. In 3d, bitches.

best PRE-CALI . Because the time after disparity just hours earlier, were spent with the greatest of friends that I would NEVER trade for anything. They clearly know who I am, and won't mind if I'm me. They're the ones who can handle me being emotionally torn inside, the ones who deserve me laughing, cheery, happy. They know who I can become, who I aspire to be, what my true values are. They're the ones who's going to be ANGRY/SPAZ if I do something bad, and the ones who'll be HAPPY/SPAZ if I do something good. Clearly I know who my true friends are. But only a Few who I can consider REAL. I once said you were true, but "people CHANGE and it's part of life". The only way to let that FACTOR affect/influence you in a good way, is to not think of a way, but just DEAL WITH IT.

Again, shout out to my awesome friends. And shout out to those who needs to grow up.. and those who are trying. Because the moment we accept that we're not perfect, and actually accept it, not being defensive, not blaming, not twisting, not all that shit..I think we can actually start growing up, and find other people who are also imperfect, build on what ever we got. It might not make sense, but when it comes to friends and people, somehow all senses fail.

California here I come.

Someone throw SHAMU back to the ocean WOOO - white chicks. im going to seaworld bitches and non-bitches. Love ya's.

Formspring me :)

why is it?

So many questions to ask, so many answers unheard, so many answers keep unknown. But the one I'd like to get some expansion to is "why?".

WHY AM I STILL FEELING YOU LINGERING?, why are you still in my head?.. I just make myself look like a fool and a jerk to people because, I'm still thinking about you. And I can't seem to move on. Why is it that when I finally generated the strength to move forward, even with just the mere memory of you, move on and live. I still seem to get dragged down by everything about you. When I finally got the courage to disconnect what once was a dream and a nightmare at the same time. Like deleting all the pictures you sent me, not looking at your status updates via Tanin. Likewise, you probably have done that the day you said goodbye to me. I didn't mean to meet Tanin. I didn't want to be linked to you again. Because I would just sink deeper, and this time I might not be able to come out of that dark hole. Tanin, he actually helped me out alot. Not only with directions/cab numbers when I was in Lethbridge, but also to try and get over you. You French's man. I was easily swayed by him, creeped out at first for offering me a ride. And I believe me, the moment I found out he was YOUR little brother, I tried so hard to find you in him. But for some bizarre reason, I just naturally found his own aimable traits. I actually had a little crush on him. Turning down the scholarship and admittance to University of Lethbridge is something I actually regret on doing now. I could of just tried out for the team or whatever.

WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL ALONE WHEN YOU'RE TOGETHER? Another question that I asked myself. That is the worst feeling I'd like to give anyone. It hurts so much, and I don't want you to feel alone. But why is it that when you and Shiela or when you and Crystal were together, I feel so alone/left out. It's like I can't find any place to fit in. Why is it that this topic is the biggest tear jerker for me? I love Shiela and Crystal, don't get me wrong. And putting you first, you guys first, makes me feel good inside too. Is that why I'm glad highschool is ending? Because I don't want to deal with this kind of drama?.. It just hurts me too much. I only have a few real friends out there, even that I can't have? Maybe I'm just too selfish and envious of a lot of things there.

WHY AM I ALWAYS LIKE THIS?

God, please help me. I know you're there. And I know that you want me to be happy. Please help me, I don't want to get to a point where I can barely stand..breathe.. IN short SUICIDAL. I shouldn't even think about being suicidal. I love my life. And love the people in it. I can't end it. I'm just really dramatic and sad. And I don't want to feel like this. I'm a big chicken/baby. DEAL WITH IT.

from far away.

Even from far away, you can still make me smile,

a cold but lovely soul from once upon a time.

Can melt my heart with little sense,

can make my day with captious words.

Helped me find the unthinkable,

even I was confused.

shed tears knowing it,

shed tears living it,

shed tears for it.

It made me realize,

letting you go is the "right thing".

From far away I yell,

yell for you to look back.

Did water leave your eyes, as it did mine?

To forget you, was to hate you, and to hate you,

was to hate me. To not accept, what I could be or have already become.

You differentiate right from wrong, as if you know.

Although it you are in the thinking of many, why not to mine?

Even from far away, I still feel your presence,

resonating from a hollow screen, and a mindless lens.

From feeling sorrow to feeling free, then sunk to disparity.

It haunts me, it hurts me, but above all it shames me,

because it is wrong in the eyes of many, in the eyes of God.

What more can I say, but you are a sin and vice versa.

I just miss everything that was. Miss it a lot. So much that it brings me to tears.

I love people, being around them, being myself.

If I had one wish, it's to hold you, to stroke my hands along your lovely hair, to see the brightness of your face, to feel your rosy cheeks. To achieve something that I feel is just so right, to attain it because it's so dangerous and wrong.

Hoping that even from far away, that's how you feel for me too.

To this very moment, my mind is clouded.

Fogged by your vague image. Your gestures still linger in my head, like a fresh wound.

Breathing heavily, knowing my heart races when I think of you. Thinking of what could have been. Thinking of the consequences more than the happiness.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Even if you're far away, knowing you're there.

Living, Libelous and Loving

It still smudges an odd smirk or a smile to my daily life.

Take good care of yourself.

everyone is deserving, even me.

Yes. Even I deserve the awards that I received tonight at our annual Athletic Banquet. Maybe it was because Linda turned her back at me when I said, "oh most inspirational, that sucks, that's just another way to say 2nd place", but then I relfected back at it and Linda said it as well, I shouldn't have just gotten the award then, at least it's better than nothing; if my attitude is like this, this award should have just been given to someone who wants it. Rugby is very important to me. I gave up badminton for it, track and field and ultimate. And being awarded the most inspirational, thinking back at it, is such a great honour. Maybe because I wanted to be the best, and I always try my best. I just don't like the fact that I never come close to what I want, but is totally blind to the greatness that was just given to me. For volleyball, which I loved so much as well and gotten MVP for 3 years, I didn't get anything for it, if I put myself in Kim's shoes, and she says oh I thought I shoulda gotten MVP, well I would rather get 2nd to Katy than get nothing. When the tables are turned and when the wind is against you now, it's hard, it hurts. I took it so personally, but all I could do is clap and smile, because I'm so happy for them. Everyone is deserving. Everyone who received the award they got is deserving, and even if being on the envious end , the award winners are deserving. You didn't pull short, but you were just almost there, try again next time.

Believe it or not, even if one's at the end of their high school career, there will be a next time. Only this time, it will not be provided for you, it won't be spoon fed to you. It will be all hard work and reality. You must look for it not only by yourself, but also within yourself. You gotta find the drive to fullfill anything in life. You can only rely on you.

I am proud of myself :)

This one, not so proud. Going up the stage not only took forever, but it was HARD.

double the trouble.

Bonjour.

Let me sum up the last few days in a few words.

fail boat.

yup. It was a total fail. Not only did my week start of

pretty crappy with a nervous system test, that got

me nervous HAHA (oh my sympathetic nervous system is working), but yesterday I got my very first sprained/slightly fractured ankle, in all of my years of playing sports.

But before I go into all of that, I'd just like to get something out. In the recent blog, I've mentioned that I've been the one putting the

stress in myself. That's because I thought that this person, specially close to me, was mad. And my response was, "if you're mad at me, then I'm mad at

you too". It's kind of a hectic/vicious cycle. Because I

'm assuming that something's wrong, but I don't ask about it. And I don't ask about it because I'm scared it might be about me. I'm a terrible person and instead of just admitting that, I think I should change it. I don't want to be a terrible person. I mean I love to tease people, and get 'em all worked up, but I don't want to cross a line to get another individual hating on

me. I can't take it. I'm gutsy enough to admit that I'm a chicken, and that I can't handle people being mad at me so I try to get it twisted and make th

em look like the fools. It's wrong and I'm terribly sorry. In a couple of minutes after writing this blog, I will call that special person and tell them and talk to them and all. But enough of the drama. Last friday seemed all too perfect, I was kind of scared that it was just me last week that's been acting up and shit.

Well this week is a present. I'm actually NOT proud tha

t I have this swollen/slightly fractured/weird coloured ankle

because simply it was my

first one ever and it was not honorable. I got it from "showing off" my awesome blocking skills to ESL students in volleyball. I'm not trying to diss the kid out but his foot was underneath the net and that's where I landed. Landed a sharp 90 degrees and my reflex arc just took care of the rest. Plumping my ankle into this massive blueberry you see

in front of you. I'm currently in crutches for a week, and unfortunately it had to be this week. Tomorrow is the athletic banquet, and I don't care if I don't get called for awards, it's the fact that it's semi formal that I'm worried about. I'm going to be in a dress and crutches, woohoo. I've got more pictures down there.

But before I go on. I just want to talk about the nervous system test, and monday, and explain why the title of this blog is called double the trouble. Well I went to the hospital once my dad saw my ankle all swollen and stuff. He was right about it probably having a fracture if I don't get it checked out. Well, I was in the ER Tuesday (the day I got this shit), and the lady that helped me, was the same lady that helped me the day before, when I was in the ER monday. Monday was the nervous system test. So long story short, I was so nervous for the nervous system test that I basically went mad, to a point where I tried cutting myself. When Esther, Shiela and Dorothy found out why I wasn't at school on Monday, they freaked out and yeah saying I'm stupid, because it was stupid. when I felt the sharpness of the blade in my skin..I basically fainted and my mom found me on the ground and we went to the hospital. Well the lady that helped me, said "double the trouble you're causin' fer mom and dad eh", coz I went to the hospital with my dad for a swollen ankle. Sigh. I thought it was ironic. Now both of them are running around just for me.

I kind of feel bad, but at the same time, I like the attention. Pft. You people know you like attention, hate it when people can't admit that. Anyways. More pictures.

this was day when it happened, and I was just chillin in my living room before daddy came home.

when I got back from the hospital, I got wrapped. yeahh... Later Gaters..

Ange

sunday schedule starting right now :)

Strict and a must.

Or I'm going to punish myself.

5:00pm- finish mes lectures.

8:00 pm - last minute studies for bio.

hopefully i get this done. im open to punishment suggestions on fb.