WHY AM I STILL FEELING YOU LINGERING?, why are you still in my head?.. I just make myself look like a fool and a jerk to people because, I'm still thinking about you. And I can't seem to move on. Why is it that when I finally generated the strength to move forward, even with just the mere memory of you, move on and live. I still seem to get dragged down by everything about you. When I finally got the courage to disconnect what once was a dream and a nightmare at the same time. Like deleting all the pictures you sent me, not looking at your status updates via Tanin. Likewise, you probably have done that the day you said goodbye to me. I didn't mean to meet Tanin. I didn't want to be linked to you again. Because I would just sink deeper, and this time I might not be able to come out of that dark hole. Tanin, he actually helped me out alot. Not only with directions/cab numbers when I was in Lethbridge, but also to try and get over you. You French's man. I was easily swayed by him, creeped out at first for offering me a ride. And I believe me, the moment I found out he was YOUR little brother, I tried so hard to find you in him. But for some bizarre reason, I just naturally found his own aimable traits. I actually had a little crush on him. Turning down the scholarship and admittance to University of Lethbridge is something I actually regret on doing now. I could of just tried out for the team or whatever.
WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL ALONE WHEN YOU'RE TOGETHER? Another question that I asked myself. That is the worst feeling I'd like to give anyone. It hurts so much, and I don't want you to feel alone. But why is it that when you and Shiela or when you and Crystal were together, I feel so alone/left out. It's like I can't find any place to fit in. Why is it that this topic is the biggest tear jerker for me? I love Shiela and Crystal, don't get me wrong. And putting you first, you guys first, makes me feel good inside too. Is that why I'm glad highschool is ending? Because I don't want to deal with this kind of drama?.. It just hurts me too much. I only have a few real friends out there, even that I can't have? Maybe I'm just too selfish and envious of a lot of things there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS LIKE THIS?
God, please help me. I know you're there. And I know that you want me to be happy. Please help me, I don't want to get to a point where I can barely stand..breathe.. IN short SUICIDAL. I shouldn't even think about being suicidal. I love my life. And love the people in it. I can't end it. I'm just really dramatic and sad. And I don't want to feel like this. I'm a big chicken/baby. DEAL WITH IT.
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