just thought i should say hi

since i was around this site anyways.. i thought i'd say hi.. and tidy up a bit. like it? me too :D

tired.

tired of the saame ol' shit.
scared of tmr.
get back to u never.

haven't blogged.

and won't be blogging here anymore.. sigh i gotta settle down =_=.

i found you.

again. and I'll find you again and again. Because there's never going to be an end to this. This realization hit me, a couple of hours ago. I still find you amazingly beautiful, and as much as I want to let go. There's no more way to do that, no more distractions to keep me, no more excuses or link to keep you away. I just really want to be with you. It's changing me from the inside out. I hate it. But I can't help it. I want to just give up, and give in. I'm still resisting. But I just really can't stand it anymore, I never could in the beginning. I got to stop finding you. You're not helpless, you don't need me and my shame. I found you again, please don't get lost again. Or I'll really have to resort into leaving you to find yourself, by yourself.

My haunting.

I thought everything was over, and done with. Yet with everything that I've been through. The saddening reality, that you've put me through. The salt the tears leave my eyes every morning. I want to forget it all. But you ALWAYS, always come back to haunt me. And the pain, keeps coming back. Like opening a healing wound, and this time, it's back to strike me three times as hard. When am I going to put you behind me, once and for all; When are you going to be done haunting my life. The mere thought of deleting your pictures, gives me a churning feeling in my stomach. I can't help but feel worse, everytime there's something new about your life, because I have access to it. I want to take all of that away, and just forget. As much as the good times were AMAZING, now they just hurt more than the bad times. Like a hurricane inside me again and again. I'd rather forget. Because I never loved anyone as much as I loved you. I hate saying that, because as truthful as it feels, reality is a harsh mistress, and it doesn't help that you're begging to be under her wing.

I don't want to resort to being numb to forget about you. Maybe I just need the perfect distraction. To distract me enough, to finally stop thinking of only you, day in and out, trying to compare people of how they're LIKE you. I just want it to stop. But even if I wanted to, I still can't resist you.

apologies don't work if you don't mean it.

But I do mean my apologies, for being such a jerk, and a moron. I look foolish enough, it's so embarrassing to even show my face to you. I don't expect it to be okay right away, I'm just sort of glad, I can breath sort of easily-ish now y'know?

HaH!

still confused. obviously im the problem. well. i'm not settling this here. expect a phone call / a visit. shut me away if you want, but I don't give up so easily, friend. If you still want me to refer to you as that. AREN'T YOU ALWAYS RIGHT anyways.

okay, what the FUCK.

If that's the way you wanna roll, then fine. So much for communication and bullshit. If you really want to indirectly settle this over this stupid website, well I'll be. Just hope I don't HURT you enough that you really want to part. This has become really stupid and immature, it doesn't even make sense anymore. So here it is. I'M SORRY I BORROWED MONEY FROM YOU. I'M SORRY I NEVER EVER PAY ONLY YOU BACK, I'M SORRY THAT I ALWAYS HURT YOU, ENOUGH TO SAY ALL THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT ON THE INTERNET. I really thought you were bigger than this but I was wrong. You can say all that stuff you said, and give yourself a pat on the back, because I'm really going the wrong way with this. Sorry bun, this is how I'm interpreting it. You want me out of your life that much. I don't mean to use the "after all we've been through" drift, because it's the present that matters. And presently, and apparently, I'm the one putting that big dagger in your happy life. Well if that's all I really am to you, pain and angst. Then why don't you just leave me and end it. But let's just hope you have guts enough to actually face me and tell me why you're doing this. This I interpret to be, that me borrowing money from you it hurting you so much that it's unbearable. Well I'm too sure, that this wasn't the first time I borrowed money from you, and clearly it will be the last, but I'm too sure that I payed you back somehow too. Multiple times, sometimes I don't even ask you to pay me back or sometimes I'd just treat you, because I know I owe you way more. And now you really want to lose me as a friend for such a thing? Okay shows what I know right? Change your blogger, I don't want to read into your thoughts, because when I know it's about me, things change. And if you don't I won't be able to help but read. I'm still a bit confused, right now I'm really driven by anger, and like I said I'll only punch back, I didn't give the punch first, YOU DID my dear, and what a big punch that was. I wish I'd post up my previous drafts, maybe I would've put up a fight. But I lost already, and you sort of invited me to your little void. Right now, to stay in that void, is to feel like you for no reason. Maybe one reason, for borrowing money. I promise to never borrow from you. I'm sorry that I have a defective family that took your buspass, but to be quite honest, I flipped my house upside down, interrogated my family and made a fool out of myself. Not only that they don't trust me anymore, but I'm going to lose a friend who I thought was going to be there, and even with the pain inflicted on me, I'm still here with open arms. Other friends said that I shouldn't be like that. So I wrote this morbid, horrible blog, to let you in on what I'm feeling and maybe you can get a sense that I don't like losing friends for no good fucking reasons. I guess the good times, or the times that counted never really meant anything, I mean people change, and that's an inevitable fact, real friends accept them, even if it means hurting.

i guess i'm just stubborn

and that won't change. Even if the match is clear, who won, should've won or who should've lost. Even if I totally don't stand a chance, or if I'm beaten badly already. I'll regain that strength and fight back. I will not be forced to withdrawal even if it looks so sad already. Don't play me in pool coz I'm your worst nightmare. Get OMGPOP to find out or don't find out, completely up to you.

Kay number 1, this was totally an indirect statement, number 2, I will not give up in pool, so don't test it. Unless you want to give me coins X)

Oh I'm such a geek.

is simply thankful,

that since we're confessing feelings on the internet, why not try it.

But I won't. It's weird, because even though all I've been thinking and be considerate of others, get hurt in the end, I still want them to be happy. Because that's simply what people look for, self satisfaction. Take it personally, that I'm really being calm about this, while really I'm not. I got the memo thanks and sorry truly. This time I'm just thankful of the other times, times that you seemed to have forgotten. I got what I deserve, I guess I needed it to realize too. And you got that self satisfaction that you so rightly deserve, I'm glad you don't feel bad, and I don't intent you to, that means things are changing :) Always is such a strong word, people get mislead, it's simply just my interpretation.

first

was entitled 'first' because this was what got to me as I go on the internet to update my life to others when I'm about to leave hotdrypalmsprings,CA. It's kinda sad that I'm leaving, because I'm going to be leaving my sunnyoasis to go back to Vancouver. But I'm way more thrilled to be coming home, ever since the start of this trip all I wanted to do is stay on the computer and stay updated with friends and the city. But I actually somewhat enjoyed California. Especially the Los Angeles night works, Hollywood walk of Fame , the OC/ family there.



My trip. Our trip, I had a blast. Me, my family and I, went on a LONGDRIVE, and trust me, it was long. About 22-24 hr drive and only stayed about 5 hours in a creepy motel, to get some sleep for the driver (dad). Every other hour I would be either asking if we were there yet or \i'd be throwing up or about to throw up when and if they put the windows up and not turn on the A/C. One thing to know about me. I get car sick easily, I constantly need fresh air, and this long ass drive didn't help that. My family kind of caught on my "puking disorder" as they call it, because I'd try to throw up even if I didn't eat anything, and kept the windows down as much as possible. I figured that PalmSprings, CA would be really nice and had that just right Summer atmosphere.. but clearly, from my bloody nose droopings on my shirt, it was as hot or even HOTTER than being in ASIA, about 35-40 deg. And another thing, why does the US have to be so not Canadian, I actually find it more annoying than amusing. Although, my "restroom" scene was pretty funny.

Anyways. I did not like it at first. We stayed at a resort called, Vista Mirage. There was nothing to do at first but to stay inside and enjoy the nice coolness...aaaah. I think the weather for me was so bad, that I almost had a heat stroke. At any rate, I eventually found something to do. There were three things that I enjoyed doing at our stay here.

table tennis.Tivo.monopoly.

First off, I'm not a big ping-pong fan. I mean it's so boring and sometimes fun to watch. I played it a couple of times in gym class but never really liked playing it. Well here, there was absolutely nothing to do but this, tennis, or swimming. Their pools kind of disgust me because there were bugs in there once I put my goggles on. Yeah, that was yesterday, so today I'm taking the time to blog than go insect-gargling in the pool. Anyways, I never really liked table tennis because I thought I was so horrible at it, I saw it in the olympics and I thought, wow this is so easy. Well because it was gym class. Now I played against Lozel, my friend who's like this table tennis champ, and I thought hmm, I'll totally pown her in her own game, then guess what, I got totally put on my ass...it was bad, as in I was sweating and running like a beheaded chicken. Then I knew table tennis wasn't for me. But I played against my dad, he too apparently was a ping-pong person and so we played for like three days, every day we'd play. I totally killed him in the third day. I found table tennis to be freaking awesome. I'm kind of hyped just hearing it. Table tennis....



Next, Tivo. So Kumar was right, Tivo is awesome. For the days that I was indoors, I was basically in front of the TV. I was flipping through varieties of channels, and omg, it's just really hard to express in words. Last night I was up watching Animal Cops, to Top Chef, To Works of Art. It was heck crazy, even working out in the morning, I'd ask for the remote to the TV in their fitness room and watch baseball or WNBA, which btw had the right work out equipments that I need.. for my QUADS. But that's another story.



Last but not least, the board game.. MONOPOLY. Wow, I never knew I could get hooked so badly. It was so good that I was bad. I played monopoly for the last 3-4 nights. I totally pwned my brother and my sister, and not only that, even when I lost today (went bankrupt, sold all my properties to the bank because I didn't want my brother/sister/dad to have them for free) I still want to PLAY. I just simply love it. If you're thinking of buying me a present in the future for anything, it would be monopoly.



I don't know why I had to wait until I got to America to do these kind of stuff. I'm kind of glad that I went though, because it takes away the drama I had in Canada (AB specifically), it was just nice.

We also went to OrangeCounty to see Tita Diane, Russ (her husband), and ate Ruby and kuya AR (stands for Adrian Rivera). It was such a great 2 days staying with them, I had so much fun. First we went to Laguna Beach, and it was good/bad. Good because I had a blast seeing them, and there were lots of hot bods there ;P, bad because, there were killer waves and they didn't help my ankle to a faster recovery, also kuya AR didn't bring his swimwear, nor his surfboard, so no surfing lessons. The OC was 3.5 hours away from Palm Springs (where we're staying), but my sisters and I stayed at ate Ruby and kuya AR's apartment for one night. Okay, they're a sort of party bunch, and ate Ruby has major hook ups and cook ups from everywhere. It was such a ride going with them. Their lifestyle was basically party,paper and personality. The "it" look in the OC was skinny/toned. As much as I want to compliment myself, but I totally didn't fit in. I had so much fun in their "kick-back", a chill and mellow get together , that I thought would be one of the regular parties in Vancouver. Once she told me what an actual "party" was in the OC, Vancouver would be so rated 1. It was fast and I couldn't keep up with it. Oh well, I enjoyed either ways. It was just so sad saying goodbye, I wish we had more time.
Ate Ruby was your normal rebel girl in the OC, she sounds exactly like my bitch cousin that I hate with all my heart, and you can bet your money that if you tell me to abandon her I will. But ate Ruby's not a bitch at all though, she might be a hardcore party girl but she's totally awesome and welcoming. I really wish the best of luck to her though, she's been in pretty bad shape (I don't mean physically as in her looks) and she's holding her ground. She took us to her friend's kick back and it was awesome. I wish I had a big sister like her, but I sort of don't. She's nice and friendly and she's just so AWESOME, but her lifestyle, I don't think I fit it with it. Anyways she took us to Hollywood and LA, it's great. I really wish I had more time.

Well I'm going home soon in about 2-3 days, see you soon vancity :)

bye BC, hello SUNNYSIDE? :)

so for about 10 days, I'll soon be having one of the longest fam get away, sunblocking,swimming,site seeing,spending

in PalmSprings, California. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Unless something surprises me. You never know.

but BEFORE that i had the worst/best day.

worst "di fraternita".because i saw a call out from someone who I thought knew me. who I thought would be the one who'll be always there and can take any of my mood swings. But no. To this person, I'm an alien. A gelatinous, green creature, that is inhumane, have totally different aspects and values of a normal creature. Well Mr. Perfection, if I'm like that to you, wait until you find another real friend.. they'll just ALL LEAVE if you treat 'em like this. Good Luck, you'll need it. Enough said, because I won't bother with anyone like that. Things change, people change. If that person is not grown up enough to know it, then they'll just remain stupid.

"Ignorance is ignorance, period."

it's just sad, that I'm willing to move on, and he'll stay like that. blaming the world for his imperfections. tsk, can't even take a dose of his medicine.

Keeping that in mind, it pretty much ruined my mood .

I was supposed to hang out with my girls at one, but I had to be all sad, and feeling like a shitty person/friend/ex-friend (that's right I said it, I know I'm childish, but you don't need to care anymore). I also had to wait for my slow, jerk-faced sister, who I'm grateful for for lending me money. I met up with the peeps by 6:30 and watched Toystory 3, and Shrek3. In 3d, bitches.

best PRE-CALI . Because the time after disparity just hours earlier, were spent with the greatest of friends that I would NEVER trade for anything. They clearly know who I am, and won't mind if I'm me. They're the ones who can handle me being emotionally torn inside, the ones who deserve me laughing, cheery, happy. They know who I can become, who I aspire to be, what my true values are. They're the ones who's going to be ANGRY/SPAZ if I do something bad, and the ones who'll be HAPPY/SPAZ if I do something good. Clearly I know who my true friends are. But only a Few who I can consider REAL. I once said you were true, but "people CHANGE and it's part of life". The only way to let that FACTOR affect/influence you in a good way, is to not think of a way, but just DEAL WITH IT.

Again, shout out to my awesome friends. And shout out to those who needs to grow up.. and those who are trying. Because the moment we accept that we're not perfect, and actually accept it, not being defensive, not blaming, not twisting, not all that shit..I think we can actually start growing up, and find other people who are also imperfect, build on what ever we got. It might not make sense, but when it comes to friends and people, somehow all senses fail.

California here I come.

Someone throw SHAMU back to the ocean WOOO - white chicks. im going to seaworld bitches and non-bitches. Love ya's.

Formspring me :)

why is it?

So many questions to ask, so many answers unheard, so many answers keep unknown. But the one I'd like to get some expansion to is "why?".

WHY AM I STILL FEELING YOU LINGERING?, why are you still in my head?.. I just make myself look like a fool and a jerk to people because, I'm still thinking about you. And I can't seem to move on. Why is it that when I finally generated the strength to move forward, even with just the mere memory of you, move on and live. I still seem to get dragged down by everything about you. When I finally got the courage to disconnect what once was a dream and a nightmare at the same time. Like deleting all the pictures you sent me, not looking at your status updates via Tanin. Likewise, you probably have done that the day you said goodbye to me. I didn't mean to meet Tanin. I didn't want to be linked to you again. Because I would just sink deeper, and this time I might not be able to come out of that dark hole. Tanin, he actually helped me out alot. Not only with directions/cab numbers when I was in Lethbridge, but also to try and get over you. You French's man. I was easily swayed by him, creeped out at first for offering me a ride. And I believe me, the moment I found out he was YOUR little brother, I tried so hard to find you in him. But for some bizarre reason, I just naturally found his own aimable traits. I actually had a little crush on him. Turning down the scholarship and admittance to University of Lethbridge is something I actually regret on doing now. I could of just tried out for the team or whatever.

WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL ALONE WHEN YOU'RE TOGETHER? Another question that I asked myself. That is the worst feeling I'd like to give anyone. It hurts so much, and I don't want you to feel alone. But why is it that when you and Shiela or when you and Crystal were together, I feel so alone/left out. It's like I can't find any place to fit in. Why is it that this topic is the biggest tear jerker for me? I love Shiela and Crystal, don't get me wrong. And putting you first, you guys first, makes me feel good inside too. Is that why I'm glad highschool is ending? Because I don't want to deal with this kind of drama?.. It just hurts me too much. I only have a few real friends out there, even that I can't have? Maybe I'm just too selfish and envious of a lot of things there.

WHY AM I ALWAYS LIKE THIS?

God, please help me. I know you're there. And I know that you want me to be happy. Please help me, I don't want to get to a point where I can barely stand..breathe.. IN short SUICIDAL. I shouldn't even think about being suicidal. I love my life. And love the people in it. I can't end it. I'm just really dramatic and sad. And I don't want to feel like this. I'm a big chicken/baby. DEAL WITH IT.

from far away.

Even from far away, you can still make me smile,

a cold but lovely soul from once upon a time.

Can melt my heart with little sense,

can make my day with captious words.

Helped me find the unthinkable,

even I was confused.

shed tears knowing it,

shed tears living it,

shed tears for it.

It made me realize,

letting you go is the "right thing".

From far away I yell,

yell for you to look back.

Did water leave your eyes, as it did mine?

To forget you, was to hate you, and to hate you,

was to hate me. To not accept, what I could be or have already become.

You differentiate right from wrong, as if you know.

Although it you are in the thinking of many, why not to mine?

Even from far away, I still feel your presence,

resonating from a hollow screen, and a mindless lens.

From feeling sorrow to feeling free, then sunk to disparity.

It haunts me, it hurts me, but above all it shames me,

because it is wrong in the eyes of many, in the eyes of God.

What more can I say, but you are a sin and vice versa.

I just miss everything that was. Miss it a lot. So much that it brings me to tears.

I love people, being around them, being myself.

If I had one wish, it's to hold you, to stroke my hands along your lovely hair, to see the brightness of your face, to feel your rosy cheeks. To achieve something that I feel is just so right, to attain it because it's so dangerous and wrong.

Hoping that even from far away, that's how you feel for me too.

To this very moment, my mind is clouded.

Fogged by your vague image. Your gestures still linger in my head, like a fresh wound.

Breathing heavily, knowing my heart races when I think of you. Thinking of what could have been. Thinking of the consequences more than the happiness.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Even if you're far away, knowing you're there.

Living, Libelous and Loving

It still smudges an odd smirk or a smile to my daily life.

Take good care of yourself.

everyone is deserving, even me.

Yes. Even I deserve the awards that I received tonight at our annual Athletic Banquet. Maybe it was because Linda turned her back at me when I said, "oh most inspirational, that sucks, that's just another way to say 2nd place", but then I relfected back at it and Linda said it as well, I shouldn't have just gotten the award then, at least it's better than nothing; if my attitude is like this, this award should have just been given to someone who wants it. Rugby is very important to me. I gave up badminton for it, track and field and ultimate. And being awarded the most inspirational, thinking back at it, is such a great honour. Maybe because I wanted to be the best, and I always try my best. I just don't like the fact that I never come close to what I want, but is totally blind to the greatness that was just given to me. For volleyball, which I loved so much as well and gotten MVP for 3 years, I didn't get anything for it, if I put myself in Kim's shoes, and she says oh I thought I shoulda gotten MVP, well I would rather get 2nd to Katy than get nothing. When the tables are turned and when the wind is against you now, it's hard, it hurts. I took it so personally, but all I could do is clap and smile, because I'm so happy for them. Everyone is deserving. Everyone who received the award they got is deserving, and even if being on the envious end , the award winners are deserving. You didn't pull short, but you were just almost there, try again next time.

Believe it or not, even if one's at the end of their high school career, there will be a next time. Only this time, it will not be provided for you, it won't be spoon fed to you. It will be all hard work and reality. You must look for it not only by yourself, but also within yourself. You gotta find the drive to fullfill anything in life. You can only rely on you.

I am proud of myself :)

This one, not so proud. Going up the stage not only took forever, but it was HARD.

double the trouble.

Bonjour.

Let me sum up the last few days in a few words.

fail boat.

yup. It was a total fail. Not only did my week start of

pretty crappy with a nervous system test, that got

me nervous HAHA (oh my sympathetic nervous system is working), but yesterday I got my very first sprained/slightly fractured ankle, in all of my years of playing sports.

But before I go into all of that, I'd just like to get something out. In the recent blog, I've mentioned that I've been the one putting the

stress in myself. That's because I thought that this person, specially close to me, was mad. And my response was, "if you're mad at me, then I'm mad at

you too". It's kind of a hectic/vicious cycle. Because I

'm assuming that something's wrong, but I don't ask about it. And I don't ask about it because I'm scared it might be about me. I'm a terrible person and instead of just admitting that, I think I should change it. I don't want to be a terrible person. I mean I love to tease people, and get 'em all worked up, but I don't want to cross a line to get another individual hating on

me. I can't take it. I'm gutsy enough to admit that I'm a chicken, and that I can't handle people being mad at me so I try to get it twisted and make th

em look like the fools. It's wrong and I'm terribly sorry. In a couple of minutes after writing this blog, I will call that special person and tell them and talk to them and all. But enough of the drama. Last friday seemed all too perfect, I was kind of scared that it was just me last week that's been acting up and shit.

Well this week is a present. I'm actually NOT proud tha

t I have this swollen/slightly fractured/weird coloured ankle

because simply it was my

first one ever and it was not honorable. I got it from "showing off" my awesome blocking skills to ESL students in volleyball. I'm not trying to diss the kid out but his foot was underneath the net and that's where I landed. Landed a sharp 90 degrees and my reflex arc just took care of the rest. Plumping my ankle into this massive blueberry you see

in front of you. I'm currently in crutches for a week, and unfortunately it had to be this week. Tomorrow is the athletic banquet, and I don't care if I don't get called for awards, it's the fact that it's semi formal that I'm worried about. I'm going to be in a dress and crutches, woohoo. I've got more pictures down there.

But before I go on. I just want to talk about the nervous system test, and monday, and explain why the title of this blog is called double the trouble. Well I went to the hospital once my dad saw my ankle all swollen and stuff. He was right about it probably having a fracture if I don't get it checked out. Well, I was in the ER Tuesday (the day I got this shit), and the lady that helped me, was the same lady that helped me the day before, when I was in the ER monday. Monday was the nervous system test. So long story short, I was so nervous for the nervous system test that I basically went mad, to a point where I tried cutting myself. When Esther, Shiela and Dorothy found out why I wasn't at school on Monday, they freaked out and yeah saying I'm stupid, because it was stupid. when I felt the sharpness of the blade in my skin..I basically fainted and my mom found me on the ground and we went to the hospital. Well the lady that helped me, said "double the trouble you're causin' fer mom and dad eh", coz I went to the hospital with my dad for a swollen ankle. Sigh. I thought it was ironic. Now both of them are running around just for me.

I kind of feel bad, but at the same time, I like the attention. Pft. You people know you like attention, hate it when people can't admit that. Anyways. More pictures.

this was day when it happened, and I was just chillin in my living room before daddy came home.

when I got back from the hospital, I got wrapped. yeahh... Later Gaters..

Ange

sunday schedule starting right now :)

Strict and a must.

Or I'm going to punish myself.

5:00pm- finish mes lectures.

8:00 pm - last minute studies for bio.

hopefully i get this done. im open to punishment suggestions on fb.

A convivial Weekend

This weekend was the best. One of the best in a long time.

I've been dwelling in so many sad, stressful, and heavy hearted things, that I can't seem to recognize the good stuff anymore. I was really upset this week because of litt

le things that I notice too much, and being too sensitive about it.

The most muddled part was, those things were happening because I was causing them. I was putting it all upon myself, and it makes me sink deeper and deeper into a hole, all by myself, it was dark and stifling. That place lacked family, friends, warmth, love; it was all anxiety,

pain and stress.

Too much for me to handle.

That's why this weekend, Friday night specifically, was just a loose and lively night. One of the nights that I'd hope of having during this time. We ate at an all you can eat sushi/korean bbq place, we were LOUD and the booth next to us were HATIN on us. Yeah that lil booth can suck it. It was one of the nights where I was so hyper, that I don't think it was the water. I wanted to tell off those guys beside us, "the blow horn". Oh silly asian MOTHERJERK. That was my word of the night, and the next day. I was the bartender for the night. ( I was flipping the water pitcher and it was a TOTAL FAIL )>

The next day, baddy tournament. GP cup. Met new mother jerks, pwned some

old mother jerks, GOT pwned by old mother jerks, played GROUNDERS. Yes, it made my whole weekend whole.

The most fun I've had with little boys and Linda. We climbed over fences and others decided to walk around (they still had to climb a fence though).

Hieu bought all of the baddy kids slurpee, and I suggested grounders. Yuchuan (I called him Szechuan like the chicken flavour because I couldn't pronounce his name) , Justin and linda were scared to climb over the fence. It was funny yet it was a mellow bonding time with lots of screaming and name calling. It was fun.The grueling part though, Hieu thought that climbing this one specific fence would get us into the playground right away. So Nghia, Linda, and me decided to follow him. BAD CHOICE. We had to climb four more fences before we got to a grassy area. OHEMGEE MAN. It was a fun and tiring work out before we got completely murdered by grounders. I loved it. I was only it twice and I was so keen to catch Justin. He was a pwned mother bitch :) .

I will admit though, I didn't want Szechuan and Thomas (this baddy guy that was so sick, like I was mocking/flirting with him because he did this trick shot that I totally failed at, he has a cute smile) to leave so early, they didn't even get to play with us. But anyways, I didn't want them to leave, because I didn't want Thomas to leave. *sigh* I lost my interest for him, once my sister told me, "oh i know that guy, he's flip and he's like in gr9". EEEEW. What is up with me and little boys, I swear it's not even funny. GRR! Sad part was though, when I tell them my age/ grade, they're shocked like I'm in grade fucking 2 or something. It's okay.

This WEEKEND WAS RAD.

2 more weeks before highschool is over. It's unhappy and as much as a lot of people say that they're so glad to be out of it, I will definitely miss it.

Thought I

Well I thought it was over. No it's not.

Internetitis, a disease that rapidly took over most of the people with computers, has taken over me too. It makes you go on computers, make new stupid websites, and stay on them for hours until you're dying of sleepyness.

Curable?

Maybe.

If you have enough strength to help yourself out of the intergalatic internet gravitational pull.

Anyways. follow me on tumblr, robo.to, and formspring.

I'll still be around.

Later Gaters :)

PS. see my tumblr, i got a new rant, and it's pretty harsh.. i kinda regret making it now. LOL

http://choco-air.tumblr.com/

june ,responsibility, 40 degrees

According to my father dear, I'm actually getting worst. That I'm very irresponsible. Yes. ME. SURPRISE. FUCK YOU.

Do you actually believe that I have fucking time for the dishes? You say put myself in your shoes, HAH, if I did then I'd never see my children again won't I?. When was actually the last time you spent time with your family? On Sundays? Then what? Work again, and again and again.

Wow dad, you actually got the balls to tell me that. Why ofcourse, it's okay if you're not home all the time, and when you're home you actually catch me doing some homework, or fucking sleeping.

5:oo am, I was dreaming about my little girly girl crushing on this boy from a land that I FUCKING HATE, then *KNOCK KNOCK*. I look at the time it's fucking 5 in the morning. Yup. It was my dad. I had a 30 minute lecture about not doing the dishes. It took me 10 minutes to do them right after his MAGNIFICENT SPEECH about responsibility and how I lack it. Thank you for basically telling me, change yourself because you're getting worst and your attitude right now will determine whether you're successful or not, your irresponsibility is drawing you farther away from the family, from the pack. Do I look like a fucking wolf to you?

I'm sorry dad. I love you to death. Probably even more. But how the fuck can you look me straight in the eye, and tell me that I'm basically the most horrid person out there, that I'm not worthy enough to chose for my own, breath by myself, and act on however I like. It's the fucking dishes for FUCK'S SAKES.

June.

I'm going to try my hardest to be someone I'm not. Someone who's responsible, kinder, caring, happy, and all the bullshit that I'm not. I will try. For everyone. You'll still see me. It's just that, It won't be me. I'll put on my mask again, and those who can see through it will get it and hopefully play along or maybe help me out. But again. June is a time for change. A "change for the better" as they say it. I'm sorry dad. I'll be what you want me to be. I can usually talk back to you. But this time I didn't. I deserve it dad. I know I've been irresponsible. I guess it would take a hypocrite to tell me that.

I'm glad I didn't go to school today. But it kind of sucked how I didn't go to school because I wanted to skip. I try to be bad; but I'm bad at it. I was actually sick when I got up. (I went back to sleep after doing the royal dishes from ikea) I felt the sudden fluid rush in my head and heard a consistent beeping noise. Much like when a person is hearing something, but it's actually dead silent in the room. It was kind of creepy, and what was worst was I couldn't move at all, my body felt dead, and the early morning speech did not help. So I decided to take an extra 30 minutes in bed and skipping my usual morning runs. By the time the alarm ringed, I felt so hot.Hot as in fucking burning. I was sweating like crazy, my breathing was shallow and windows were open. When I tried to get up, I fell on my face because I was effing dizzy. My vision was actually spinning as in, merry go round fucking spinning. I layed on my back and yelled for my mom. I'm glad my mom was home. When we took my temp, it was about 41 degrees C. My fucking proteins were probably denatured by that time. Long story short, we went to the doctor, doctor give meds, doctors (hospital doctors) are stupid and should not get paid so much just because they went to school for 12 years to tell me that I have a fucking fever. I think it was already established. Sigh, it only made me angry. I feel like the hulk. RAR.

Got back from doctors, TALKED TO MAH broseph, Mr. Cody Blanchard ( : . Who i think was totally harassed by the school principal coz of some black mental job. Any ways, he basically made me feel better via phone convo, and made my day, coz the rest of the day was a nut job. nyaaah.The rest of the day went, okay. Gonna do hw soon. Hopefully I don't wake up with another protein-denaturing fever. God, excuse my foul language and my anger.

Later 'Gaters

Ange

boys.boys.boys.

Well I'm not too bummed about not having a date for prom. The thing that just bugged me, is that other people are making too big of a deal about it. Shout out to my homies from Killarney Sec. but, JUST BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ADATE DOESN'T MEAN THAT Y'ALL HAVE TO PITY ME AND ASK ME TO MY PROM. I really appreciate it. It's just that so many things are happening right now, that I don't have time for that stuff. To be honest, there was one person in my mind that I wanted to ask me to prom, but I won't name that guy here. It's kind of impossible.

I don't want to tell stories in this stupid blog, coz I know people follow it, and I get kind of self-conscious and scared of what people might think about me.

Yes. I'm one of those people who are shallow ,hypocritical, a total asshole, and cares about what people might think of me. It's scary out there, and I'm insecure.

I thought that maybe having a boyfriend, might get rid of those insecurities and help me be more open about heavy AND sad feelings that no one else knows about. It didn't work. And I feel even worse, because I have the worse motives for attaining a 'significant other'.

I totally know that I can always talk to my friends. But Do I go to them for these kind of stuff? No. Only sometimes, when I start to "smell fishy" and they start asking questions.

Btw. I just love how my friends just know when something's up. Or if I'm just not in the mood. I'm pretty good at masking my feelings, my sadness, my anger. But not from them. It's weird, but it's good. I love them forever, and I would do anything for them. Might not be EVERYTHING, but I try my best. They're the ones that push me to be better at my worst, AND they're there when I AM at my worst. Shout out to the special people that DIDN'T make my life "a cake walk" and trust me, that's a good thing. You would not want to be with me when I'm bored. I'll just sleep. (sorry Alyssa Moreno LOL). I LOVE MY FRIENDS.who doesn't?

to do list/rant:

So in a few minutes, I'd be heading out to go to Surrey Central to get my CAVEMEN eyebrows done, then will be looking around for a hair parlor to do my hair. FUDGE. I hate last minutes stuff. But I seem only do last minute stuff. oh lord help me please.

Plus I have tons of hw, I can't possibly still be concerned about boyfriends/ potential boyfriends/ male acquaintances. I won't name names. But I hate it when guys just act like guys. I effing hate it.

I know the saying that girls are attracted to assholes, but not me. I get attracted to the nicest guys ever. Even if they're weird. Although I have liked/dated assholes before,

it's very likely that if you are nice to me, I'm

prone to like you, and once I get to know you better, I'm either going to be one of your most awesome-est friends or going to be someone crushing on you. Best part is, you don't have to worry about me getting hurt if you don't like me back, I might care just a little, but I'm cool,I can take hints and all. In addition, I don't confuse niceness. If you're nice, your nice. Period. I won't mistake it for something else. Only hopeful, desparate little girls do that. Not me. I don't need a boyfriend.

It's prom tomorrow. And I'm still kind of bummed that I don't have a date. However, I don't need a corsage to make my night memorable. I'd rather spend it with my girls/boys, who I truly think deserves me to be happy at one of the most exciting/stressful nights. I love y'alls. You know who you are.

baby by me.

So, I have 4 minutes left before I have to go to school, and I'm really rushing to just put this up on here or on facebook. But this vid is really sad and all. omg. I love this vid, 50 cent's not my thing, but this one's an exception. Will write more later in the aft. :) peace out home dogs

ps. the girl is kelly rowland. she's gorgeous.

worst continuation emerging.

Left the house and off to work after last blog.

Still wondering what a blog is.

Having the sudden urge, oh the rush feels so good.

It's like the police is after you, but worst. It's like getting beaten, but worst.

It's like butterflies in your stomach but worst.

It's like having drugs or chocolate, BUT WORST.

It's always worst.

Oh my Lord, what have I done! Misery. Catastrophe.

I didn't go to work today. Apparently Maria wasn't even supposed to work. Yet I got called in the day before. It's okay, I understand and I was lenient. So I thought I'd go home.

But I figured it would be best to stay and look around to find something cute for SUMMER.

This stimulated the release of a SHOPPING hormone, that practically drove my sanity aside.

Basically, I went fucking crazy with shopping today. And it felt good. YET afterwards, I feel like SHIT! Oh, I went from store to store, getting all sorts of different shit. My debit card is pretty much scratched.

3/4 of my hard earned pay cheque.. actually more like 6/8 of my pay cheque was spent on clothes, and nothing but the clothes. One wasn't even for Summer. It was a $40 dollar leather jacket with my employee discount in it.

My day went "down the drain" today. Maybe it was because Tanin didn't text me back. I mean I truly don't expect him to text me back "24/7", but I'm still worried about that thing, and he wouldn't give me closure/assurance. So I get fidgety and nervous. Now that I've released all that tension, it felt good. I can tell this is only the beginning. I spent over $100-150 today. Merely on clothes. Oh my God please help me.

If cocaine was for drug addicts, chocolate for fatties/emos/people, SHOPPING was for me.

Shoot me now.

Peace out home dogs. Urinate. Uoooorinate. Youtube: Fred

I think I will go to confession. This has got to stop.

Lord Help me please.

I'm done with all that shit. But I feel something, uneasiness, when I text Tanin. I feel like I'm getting caught off guard again and letting loose. Can't let that happen. Won't go shopping again. Gotta stop texting him. I'm on top of this, I won't get hurt again.

People use alcohol, drugs, cutting to relieve them of stress. It's all so typical. So is shopping. And I hate that this is what I'm using to 'escape'. Imma be broke yo.

Jogging & Work out @ 6am.

8am-whenever : HOMEWORK!!& work?(fuck that shit)

Ps. I rock avs better than her, things won't/ never did work out with us.

Ange

things to talk about. What is a blog?

meh.

waka-waka-waka. You know what's so entertaining? Google Pacman. It made the top 5 of my most random occurence for today. It's next to : a fly flying onto my aviators, caught using my cellphone (first time EVER), and day dreaming of how a real hippo looks like on my way home. Weird. I always thought they were purple.

My day's not over yet, so there's still more room for random moments/events to occur. I'm filling in for Maria because she got into a car accident; and the oh so kind person that I am, I can't refuse her. Actually I can't refuse anyone. Except for when it would piss me off. It reminds me of the quote that Ms. Farquhar said in Bio class, "I don't know how to say a word that starts with an "N" and ends with an "O" "... you get it? No. (that was the word)

Anyhow. Some people treat this as their own personal diary and random people that may have the same interests or random blog and follow the person and read on about their life.

I'm actually really greatful that no one really looks into MY blog, except those special people that I've told. Plus, people pour their emotional stress and rant about their days, their deepest feelings that no one would ever know, hide their true self by telling people their blog expecting that people would read them. So my question arises. What is a blog?

Nyeh. I can't find things to talk about, except about things that happen in my day. I can rant and rant and describe and pour out everything I feel about today, and recent events; but is that what makes a blog?

*Sigh*. If I look it up on google. I'll be distracted by pacman, then i'd have to play it for hours and hours, getting nothing accomplished.

Cheerios.

Ange

Oh shoppers. I would love to just machine gun you all.

Bonjour.

Ilove French. Not 'that' French, you goofs. But French as in the language French :)

And for my first act, I will juggle a bunch of cheap maul of clothes, while trying to help retarded browsers where the stupid leggings are. Seriously, they're not that hard to find. They're in front of the fricking store for heaven's sakes. Yeah, and for those of you shoppers who can't find the stupid trash can, yeah.. it's outside the store; we're not really a convenient garbage disposal because you people can't walk 5 feet across the freaking store! Do they belong in the fitting room? ABSOLUTELY, if you want to get mangled by me in the neck, then get thrown in a rice sack, kicked until your guts fall out and buried (you best hope you're dead) in a grass field, and get eaten by earthworms.

Next to my pet peeves of tying shoe laces, are STUPID PEOPLE. Specifically, SHOPPING stupid people. Even more to the point. CLOTHES shopping stupid people. And it doesn't really help that I work in a cheap ass clothing warehouse, trying to keep an eye out for shoplifters because we can't afford a better security system, helping people who can't browse for themselves (because once you leave them alone, you're basically condemning your neat,clean, and organized pile of clothes to ...yes i'll say it.. HELL), putting out stocks so they can be messed up again, getting paid $9.25/h and working for less than 5 hours. That's why I'm always in a happy mood :).

You see why a 5"2 Asian girl can tackle 5"5-6"0 big ass White girls in the lovely game of rugby.

Which by the way I will give some props to, GUILDFORD PARK GIRLS RUGBY, it was an awesome season; hope to get my coaching licence this Summer and coach you wondergirls next year to DOMINATE the league. Hope to make it in AAAA League (AT LEAST).

OH, I'm just getting warmed up.

I bought this bizarre and creepy looking necklace that resembled an owl, that deeply attracted me, thus I GAWT IT :) It's up there, along with my new AVIATORS. Did you know that they're called aviators because pilots wear them? Oh amusement.

I'm was a shopaholic, I'm in rehab atm, BUT, I'm not a messy shop-a-holic.

To the people who : -tried their best not to mess up any piles

-asked for help when they didn't want to mess up any piles

-tried on clothes and gave them to me

-ACTUALLY BOUGHT SOMETHING

I appreciate it. Made my time there worthwhile. NOT. but still, I'm kind of greatful.

To the people who: -can't read signs (a rant about that later) with the exceptions of blind people

-thinks they can leave a sprite bottle in the fitting room

-messed up my newly put out stock

-tries on a bunch of clothes that they don't want to get

-DISSES STITCHES yet you're fucking shopping here

Hate to y'all.Watch your back, yes, that's a threat (you're not worth my time so I won't promise) and wear better perfumes.

RANT MENTIONED EARLIER:

Yes people who can't read signs. Where do I begin? Oh let's start from this lovely shift I had at work. Two highschool brown girls come into our lovely cheap and attracting store of Stitches, and into my fitting room section (the whole back section). "Hey guys, finding everything okay so far?" I said. "Yeah, thanks", replied girl#1. I went into the back to get more stocks to put out because we want our back room cleaned up and spiffy (oh it was *smiles*). My mouth drops in awe as I witness my clean and maintained yoga pants massacred in less than two minutes. I immediately ran to them and asked/yelled "WHAT SIZE ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?!". "Small?" girl #2 answers.

Kay. I pointed. THERE WAS A HUGE FUCKING SIGN SAYING "NO MORE SMALLS/MEDIUMS, SOLD OUT". I falsely smiled at them saying it was okay as they apologized. Oh how much I wanted to MURDER these girls. I mean can't you read? You come in here all G'd up with your fake coach purses and nose piercings along with the rest of your family, dissing the clothes of the store while trying on clothes from the store. I HATE racists. I'm a hypocrite. I don't know what it is.. but brown people are just naturally messy shoppers...IN STITCHES. They wouldn't fucking do this in Le Château, you know why, because the cheapest thing they have there is worth at least $50. Ours, $5. The tank tops that can never be found clean. EVER.

And since I'm on the rant about people not being able to see, I think this fits into the topic.

There's a fine line between funny and inconsiderate.

This afternoon, a blind guy goes into the bus and sits. These two lesbian looking pair of old hags, snickers among themselves about the blind guy sitting across from them. I was beside the blind guy. Now I'm the type of person that can be compared to Jason Two-two. I'm angel three-three. Yeah You gotta repeat what you say coz I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I listen to music at it's max because it's the only way I can hear it. YEAH. SO I'm pretty sure that this blind guy can hear way better than I can. They were saying things like "oh that'd be a great experience for you, he might put it in the wrong hole... heehehe". IF I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU, DON'T YOU THINK HE'LL BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU BETTER?Dumbasses. oh the disgust I feel for these jerkfaces. Sadly, the guy just gets off the bus at Surrey Central with an awkward smile. It made me feel horrible. Horrible because one, he just got discriminated and hurt, second, because I didn't stand up (I GLARED THOUGH, and COUGHED AND SHOOK MY HEAD AT THEM) and do something about this bullying. It hurts. SO PEOPLE: If you've got nothing good to say, then don't say it." Keep you're mindless comments to yourselves or I'll gush your eye out of your fucking face." -the quote in my head that I wanted to tell the fags.

*EXHALE*

Ps. I look hot in avs ;)

Ange

a lovely day

wasn't it just lovely today?

I mean, the sun's not out, it's pouring, I'm hungry, and hyper.

A little adventure last night, gave me an 'adventure rush', and now I feel like a couch potato watching wizards of waverly places. How lovely.

School. Highschool, I will miss. I had such a lovely day today, I can't begin to express it. Maybe I can start from Bio class. Texting Tanin was swell, but it was not the texting that was making me smile. It was the cute-curiosity face of Mmeoiselle Légume. Oui Oui, she thought I was making lovey -dovey text to my friend LOL. It started my lovely day pretty nicely, while learning about the our lovely excretory system.

I glare lovingly at my lavander purple nailpolish, and then I knew. This day was going to be lovely.

French. Kurmal forgot to bring food for café conversation, MAIS, the class had a lovely discussion about legal ages and age of rights in BC, and in Canada. I sneered at the silly fact. Laughed a little inside. Then dazed into a lovely mirage. Oh the irony. If you don't get it, too bad.

Lunch.. didn't have any. However, I lovingly spent my time on Dumo's computer and played some big 2 with great friends. like we always do. My lovely gr. 8 girls afterwards had a volleyball play day. Oh it was so fun. It was expected that Sasha's team would dominate, but with a little luck and hardwork, it was Destiny's team that got to sit on the bench and watch the other girls clean up the courts. Frivolous.

In my spare, I took my leave and ate at 7-11 and came back with cheesecake. I didn't like it, but the company was lovely.

Oh what a lovely day.

NAAAT! i joke.

Ps. 'Chicken Nut Breed'.. ask Sharmaine, Ella, or Lea if you're curious to know ;) trust me. It is hysterical!

numero uno.

Jibber-Jabber wada wada.

It is "hello dear world" in my language.

Woot! First entry. I came to the knowledge that it was not required for you to sign up to blogger to be able to view another's blog. You simply must know their web address. Thank you Ms. Linda Nguyen.

With the several blogs that I've viewed on this site, most of them started out similarly like how I did. Being ill-informed about how a blog should come to be. And honestly it's almost too fishy. Acting dumb to get followers. Bwahaha. Oh laughter.

While watching 90210, I'm have made this wonderful entry to assure my dear friends that I'm not being emo and that this blog was strictly made to view GULAY'S blog (which I forgot).

I saw some emo-ized blogs and I think my GRAFF template is pretty cool. It's very original.. from google. Noodle.. (a random word that I found amusing and coincidently rhymed with google).

Anyways, rest assured that I'm not depressed, just stressed (it rhymes! oh the amusement I am having). Yes. I'm not lame and my friends don't love me. But hey, we all gotta lie to ourselves sometimes to make us feel better. I recommend watching DEXTER, because Claire is 'going nuts' just watching the horrific television show. I must admit however, the character of Dexter is very cunning and oddly attractive, even if he's merely a moving image behind a flat screen; he's very irresistable and did I mention is odd lust for blood?

I had a great time. Goober-Shiwa Nom Nom. "Until next time..nom nom.."

Ps. I haven't the want for chocolate for a while, it will break in 3..2..1...*

Cheers,

Angel